Monday
+10/02/2006 10:03:00 PM
I'm groping at thin air.
Why does my head remember all that is bad?
Why does it have to keep replaying the worst over and over again?
What's wrong with me?
Am I born like that?
Knowing I technically have a good life somehow doesn't comfort me at all.
This time I have no where to run to...
This time it's worse then its ever been. So much worse.
It seems to me that God takes pleasure in teasing me with my deepest fear.
Putting it's shadow before me then leaving the rest to my paranoid self.
Yes, to some people my fear is a small thing, and yes it probably is controllable to them, but it is the biggest monster in my mind.
Tearing my thoughts and my reality to shreds and making it so that my thoughts swing from extreme to extreme while my reality wavers so badly that it becomes like a TV screen that just shows static.
Holding me in it's grip.
Letting me stray yet never letting me go.
Influencing my every move and laughing at my every mistake.
Thinking that I was strong was so wrong.
Assuming that I have moved past all that could hurt me, that I would be able to handle whatever that comes my way, that my guards were perfect...
that there was no way the same thing would be able haunt me again.
ppfffffttttt... so stupid.
So far from the truth.
All I'm facing is it's shadow and I'm already being crushed slowly, the longer this goes on.
Emotions so twisted that it's just a blur of knots that fill me to the point where I'm afraid I won't be able to choke it back.
I'm really tired.
I have no heart to do anything with this hanging over me.
All I want is to see it dissapear and everything back to how it was.
Is that possible?
To those who has had to bear with my stupid behaviour... Forgive me, I'm truly sorry.
To those who are worried about me... Thanks, your concern means more to me then you'll ever know.
Missing what was, and fearing what is to be...
end
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