augustchild

2008-10-08T01:55:00.003+11:00

I want a break... im struggling to stay on the road, my mind floating to everywhere yet no where. Feel very stretched like too little butter on a slice of toast. I do not speak. I don't know what to say. Not anti-social, just incapable. A part is missing somewhere, where it has gone I do not know. I want it back but I fear it will not be genuine. I am an extremely proud person. Yet my pride means nothing if i stay silent. There is a belief that strong people keep their silence and soldier on during the hard times. I believe in that. I believed that i am strong. At this very moment it is the exact opposite. Being strong takes alot out of you. Tired. I believe that people over think things these days. I too am guilty of that. More then ever i realise blood is thicker than water. I do not wish for your fake concern neither do i wish to give fake concern. When I listen, I listen... I am not merely waiting for my turn to speak.

2007-12-06T00:34:00.000+11:00

our support will always, always be with you bro.
we'll miss you

take care

2007-11-06T16:02:00.000+11:00

my place!!

2007-10-23T13:27:00.000+10:00

Dinner at the Czech's house

Menu:
Roasted drunken duck
Sauerkraut
Potato dumplings [ bigass versions of gnocchi ]
2 slabs of beer

Food was awesome! Czechs seriously incorporate alcohol in anything & everything they do. I swear! Fuckin unbelievable! =D
We drank & played poker till i missed the last tram home. So they were like, "GOOOD! come drink summore!"
I can't believe a managed to keep up with them.
haha
Fell asleep as soon as my head felt the pillow.
Woke up this morning/afternoon & had cake & coffee for breakfast in their garden.
The weather was the perfect combination of sun & wind.
Oh man, having a garden is so friggin nice man.
Really had a good time!

2007-10-22T12:26:00.000+10:00

I got it!!!

2007-10-22T01:24:00.000+10:00

close your eyes, savor the emotions... like an inner tune that resonates within your body.
words cannot do it justice, or at least i don't possess the skill to describe it.
a sort of contented ache

2007-10-21T20:46:00.000+10:00

please please PLEAASSEEE let me get the place!!!

2007-10-08T02:53:00.000+10:00

Like the farthest island in the middle of the sea.
Yet pushes fiercely as it floats closer & waves pound harder on its shores.
The colors are forced to change for better or worse.
Maybe it is in it's nature.

__________________
What was once artificial has become much less so
... I'm beginning to worry.

2007-09-30T21:22:00.000+10:00

The Wind-up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Marukami

Just finished reading this 600 page long book & it's nothing at all like I've ever read before.
A real mixture of reality & the surreal, the line separating them being unclear. Kinda slow paced & not the most logical plot but i guess it is meant to be that way. All in all, I enjoyed it. Pretty absorbing book

2007-09-28T03:53:00.000+10:00

sometimes there're so many things that i want to say or let out...
it all comes rushing up the throat & disappears the moment i open my mouth.
believing that you are that much stronger for keeping things to yourself doesn't really make you feel any better.
& not just that, i dont think it's that easy to find a person who is willing or interested in the slightest bit in listening to you crap.
its like a dam that threatens to burst yet it always holds firm.
on somedays i forget that it's even there...
on other's, it just weighs me down.
wouldn't it be great to return to past innocence/ignorance?

2007-09-12T04:20:00.000+10:00

de ja vu?
i f u c k i n g HATE being treated this way...
this sort of thing is exactly why closeness should always always be avoided.
people ultimately let you down

2007-07-25T00:01:00.000+10:00

Do you feel alone now?
Do you think tomorrow won't be good?
You think that sometime, somehow
with the acid eyes that burn right through.

lalalalalalalalalalalla

2007-06-07T03:20:00.000+10:00

my guard cannot ALWAYS be up
it's fucking impossible man...
It's not that clear.
When you're in the middle of it.
It wears you down.
& hits when you're at your weakest.

2007-06-02T16:24:00.000+10:00

N E W layout!

2007-05-13T18:00:00.000+10:00

[ My room of wood, steel & plastic ]

2007-05-07T14:53:00.000+10:00

just one step away from total independence...

2007-04-15T15:45:00.000+10:00

i'm really beginning to lose sight of what is important...
so what IS important?
WHO is important?
where do your priorities lie?
what is the POINT?!
seriously...

hmmm... maybe i have too much time

2007-04-11T03:38:00.000+10:00

when it really comes down to it...
i have no excuses.
even if i know i'm not as bad.
it really doesn't matter.
that just doesn't cut it
in the end there's nothing i can say to defend myself.

i'm sorry, I really am...

sorry...

2007-04-04T23:01:00.000+10:00

i am

so fucking r e s t l e s s

2007-04-04T18:57:00.000+10:00

whats the point of telling the truth when you're still gonna doubt me?

2007-04-02T13:29:00.001+10:00

all of a sudden i really really miss u guys...
who am i supposed to do dumb things & say dumb things with?!!!
aiggh...

2007-03-26T00:41:00.000+10:00

it's strange how the smallest things can make your day...

2007-03-21T23:21:00.000+11:00

taking hold of the wheel
it ends here for the wind
no matter how hard you blow
i'll grit my teeth & hold on tight
break into my dreams
that's the best you can do
i may stumble
but i won't die again

2007-02-21T13:00:00.000+11:00

.Chinese New Year in Melb

oh & the count meter is real this time!

i havent touched a ciggy in over 37 hrs!

we'll see how long i can last.

**********
new song at the side

tokio hotel - rescue me

**********

check out the new smokers section

2007-02-16T11:55:00.000+11:00

I'm in friggin college learning how to use microsoft excel... two hours of farking time wasting!
fuckthisshit man.
bored to death...

2007-02-07T01:08:00.000+11:00

so i said to someone," i will quit when i go back to melbourne."
so far that is bullshit.
procrastinating is the story of my life.
and probably alot of others too.
time to change?
damn right it is.
doesn't mean i definitely will.
but I'm sure gonna try.

2007-01-30T07:11:00.000+11:00

i get what i want (usually)
there isn't much that i really really want anyways
maybe thats why i'm so comfortable
what would it take to step away from the comfort zone?

________________________________

question of the day...
do you think that girls ask for too much these days, and that is why more and more guys are turning gay?

2007-01-05T04:30:00.000+11:00

maybe i don't do things the way you want me to,
maybe you hope what you say will trigger something,
maybe you've even given up hope,
maybe i am what you say i am,
but i'm definitely more than what you think.

i WILL prove myself to you...

2006-12-29T16:57:00.000+11:00

Christmas eve.

[Bukit Bintang]

[Cars getting sprayed with 'snow' in BB]

[Darren posing in K.L.!]

2006-12-22T21:07:00.000+11:00

Went to langkawi [the island of booze & ciggies] last week.

Because airplane tickets were too ex, the organizers [mr Kong & en Amirul] decided that we would take an 8 hr bus ride to the [ i forgot what ] jetty where we would then take the ferry to paradise.

The departure time of the bus was at 11:30 pm but we were supposed to meet up at a mamak in Kelana at 8:30. We were like... y need to meet so early? crazy meh?

But it was a good thing though cuz despite our msian timing [1/2 hr late], coupled with the fact that half of us forgot the tickets AND a few others wanted to berak... we ended up at the bus station pretty early.

[in the bus]

Reached the jetty at 5:30? Got on ferry at 6? & arrived at Langkawi at about 7:30? i dunno la,still damn early. Had breakfast, rented 2 cars & went to check out the place we booked.

So we got down happy as happy feet, until... we saw this... & their PAPAN chalets. Wind blow also can say byebye...

[ WTF!!! ]

Sooo we had to lose the deposit & go look for somewhere else to stay! After splitting up & running around like the amazing race, we found a super cheap & super nice place to stay! Chalets made of BRICKS man... tsunami come also got more chance then the papan chalets, & whats even better? It was cheaper then the papan chalets. The beach was way nicer there too!

[ ignore those 3 things, check out the beach man!]

So we spent the rest of the trip doing this:

[ not to mention the beer & ciggies. Btw, look at his face man... gay!!! ahahaha ]

At the end of the trip we had to take the ferry back to kuala kedah & then a taxi to the TRAIN station. Yes, we took the train back... THIRTEEN hours in the train. 5 spent playing poker, 2 spent eating, 3 spent sleeping & the rest spent:

[ amirul trying to look cool]

2006-12-21T16:18:00.001+11:00

What is this place?
I can't recognize my face
Everything's in a daze
My mind's walking a maze
Emptiness in my gaze
I hope this is a phase
Or life will go to waste
Something more i wish to taste

They came back to visit me last night.
What the hell am I running from that I have to run from it my whole life?
I'm tired of it.
Even though its seldom to never that it happens anymore.
It's like running although there is no hope but knowing this doesn't necessarily mean you can help it...
MAYBE I'm running from madness towards a better place?
For peace, for a time when your heart hums a happy song, your mind smiles at everything the world throws at you, when nothing can ruffle your feathers...
& when everyone's dad is a king and owns an island and you get your own little fart of an island for yourself with a little jet plane so you can fly around to your friend's island!
That would be pretaay cool wouldnt it?
You know what would be even better?!
If all the islands were tax free like Langkaweee!!
But not so many jellyfish pls.

2006-12-06T17:30:00.000+11:00

siiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeennnn.....
no car
sieeeeennnnnn...
tv nothing to watch
sieeeennnnnnn....
i just smoked in my room witht the fan blowing outward of the window
siiieennnn.....
i Just ate a banana
sieeennnnn.....
drank a glass of water
sieeennnnnnnn....
it's so damn humid
siennnn.....
siiieennnn ahhh!!!!
siiiiieeeeennnn arr!!!!
i want my caaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!!!
mafucker workshop ppl faster leh...

2006-11-21T01:27:00.000+11:00

Finding I have a new side

One that stays in the night

Part of the old, melded with the new

Bringing me a wider view

2006-11-16T01:49:00.000+11:00

It used to be I had every confidence that whatever I do, I will be fine.
There was no way I would not excel in life.

=) Right now... I'm not so sure.

2006-11-06T11:14:00.000+11:00

tagged by anselm
& these are the top 10 most played songs, in no particular order :-

Evanescence - Call me when you're sober
Jimmy Eat World - 23
Aqualung - Brighter than sunshine
JayZ/Linkin Park - Dirt of your shoulder/ Lying from you
30 Seconds to mars - Beautiful Lie
Limp Bizkit - Build a bridge
Limp Bizkit - Behind blue eyes
Lifehouse - Blind
Evanescence - Going under
Evermore - It's too late

2006-11-03T04:59:00.000+11:00

I just got back from yumcha with the guys and I don't know why I suddenly remembered this story... it's a buddhist story that goes something like this.

There once was a royal family with two princes. One day the King, Queen & the two princes were walking in the royal gardens when the King turned to the princes and said,"Whoever can circle the world and get back first, will inherit my kingdom."
One of the princes reacted instantly calling forth his phoenix and flying off as fast as possible. His brother however walked slowly in a circle around the King and Queen, his parents, and sat down awaiting the return of his brother. After circling the world, his brother returned expecting the kingdom to be his saying,"I have circled the world first Father, therefore i shall inherit the kingdom." And his father said,"It is your brother that will inherit the kingdom." So he questioned the King why and his reply was," You circled the world but your brother circled me & your mother."

Who would you circle?

2006-11-02T01:40:00.000+11:00

I saw this on a friends msn nick, "time ruin or ruin time?".
So I asked what he meant by it.
His reply was," do we ruin our time or does time ruin us?"
That got me thinking [for once] =p
And well, here's my take on it.

I reckon that we, being who we are, are people who never/seldom appreciate things when we have "too" much of. In this particular case, it is time. In most cases, we waste[ruin] our time at first then when we eventually[and some don't or just choose not to care] realise that time is running out, it's too late... Even as we struggle to make up for what is gone, time is continuously ticking away, constantly on our backs, pushing us until we either succeed OR break[ruin]. Having said that, there are people who use their time wisely. Wish I could say I am one of them.
Time ruin or ruin time?

I really hate thinking about stuff like this.
Much prefer to live in ignorance. In my dreams.
Ignorance truly is bliss.
The truth really is hard to take.

2006-10-30T22:45:00.000+11:00

i like this pic

............................................................................................

If you want to compare me with one group then compare me with the other also.

What do you expect of me?

I'm not allowed to make mistakes?

Sorry?

No one is perfect...

2006-10-28T04:49:00.000+10:00

straying down a path I really shouldn't...

this is a road leading to nowhere

how did I end up walking here?

2006-10-25T14:26:00.000+10:00

2006-10-25T01:14:00.000+10:00

You know what?
The phrase "home is where the heart is", I know what that means now.

-----------------------------
Wondering...
Why do people stop to look back?
Is it that they have nothing to look forward to?
Or is it that they want to savor what was gone?
How much do people really care if they ask you how you are?
How is it that some people can have such strong faith things/ other people/ God/ whatever?
Why is it that we waste time so much knowing how important it is?
Or is it that the truth is we actually don't?
What is the truth but what you perceive it to be?
Would you want to know the truth if it wasn't?
Why is it that so many people are not accepting of other people's perspective?
How on earth did the phrase 'pop the cherry' come about?

-----------------------------
Realizations...
You can't run away from yourself.

-----------------------------

2006-10-21T19:06:00.000+10:00

Oh yea ba-beh!!!

Killar look babeh!!!

OH NO BABEH

DAMN POOR BABEH

2006-10-20T13:53:00.000+10:00

i hope the view i've found doesn't slip,

it made me smile.

______________________

Every once in a while, People step up,

They rise above themselves, Sometimes they surprise you,

Sometimes they fall short.

______________________

been going to the beach alot these couple a of weeks.

it's such a great place to chill & space out.

can spend hours just whiling time away sitting around there.

_____________________

Life is funny sometimes, It can push pretty hard,

but If you look close enough,You find hope,

______________________

the sky is a light shade of grey,

just another phase of finding what i really need.

_____________________

In the words of children,In the bars of a song,

and In the eyes of someone you love,

______________________

I cannot differentiate anymores,

Just have to hope for the best.

_____________________

And If you are lucky,

I mean If you're the luckiest person on the entire planet,

The person you love decides to love you back

______________________

i think the words on the right were taken from one tree hill

2006-10-14T03:44:00.000+10:00

I want to sleep for a thousand years.
Dreamless sleep.
Getting sick of being awake.
My timing is totally screwed.
Even my darkest darkest nightmare i wouldn't mind.
Cuz that's not real.
And i will wake up from it, rather than waking up to it.
I'm floating from one place to another.
In mind, and in body.
Wherever the current takes me.
My anchor doesn't work anymore.

A friend said to me, "i treat my blog as my room, a place where i am totally comfortable and just write whatever i want..."
*hit me if i misquoted =P
I think it's cool that he's so open.
Tried to think of it in those terms but it's kinda weird, cuz this room of mine would be open to everyone and that makes me uncomfortable.
Guess its more like a window into my room...
You catch glimpses of my room.
But my shutters are usually all you'll see.
Right now they aint working too well though.
Nothing is.
I think i've been awake too long.

*such a stupid sounding post i know
hehe
sun's gonna be up in just a little while more...

2006-10-14T02:22:00.000+10:00

Feel like that person...
Guess it's up to personal interpretation.
Well, that's a thousand words written for me already

2006-10-12T04:24:00.000+10:00

today was one of those really nice days.
almost perfect.
[ Saint Kilda beach ]

2006-10-11T04:34:00.000+10:00

tired.
sleep.
zombie.
hungry.
lifeless.
what is real?
no answer.
how?
why?
want.
past.
fear.
future.
live.
now.
eyelids taped back.
going.
where?
................................

2006-10-11T03:11:00.000+10:00

prepare to cum...

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/300/trailer1/large.html

2006-10-10T13:52:00.000+10:00

Get up and move...
Do what you have to do.
Time doesn't stop just because your world is stuck.
Snap out of it.
No one will care if you care nothing about yourself.
There're things that only you can do.
No one else can do it for you.
Staring at the ceiling all night through doesn't help any.
Not when there is nothing good to think about.
All there is, is darkness caressing you, your thoughts.
Stay firm and upright.
Be who you are, not a shadow of the real thing.
Whatever comes at you,
well... take it on.

2006-10-10T02:53:00.000+10:00

i want...
to be free of my own mind.
i crave...
for nothing material.
i see...
things that are not there.
i wish...
for everything to be nice and simple.
i continously...
mess myself up.
i have to...
shut up & fucking deal with it already.

Rain

2006-10-09T02:47:00.000+10:00

There somethings that i'm totally shit in dealing.
Just really really that bad.
When it rains in my world it's a thunderstorm.
No less.
Dark clouds may gather but there's no such thing as light rain.
It has to run it's course.
And after the rain...

2006-10-08T23:48:00.000+10:00

Smile for another day

Eyes once filled with light & wonder,

Seeing the other side tears all asunder,

What was & what is to come,

Hollow... when all said & done.

Darkness claws at my conciousness,

Constantly being pushed into hopelessness,

Can I fight it through deep red tears?

When all I hold are blistering fears.

Friendship, once a hallowed word,

It's meaning all but lost in a bitter flood,

Much too negative one might say,

But there're many I reckon who feel this way.

Staring at the window of the past,
My mind's slowly turning to dust,

Gotta loosen my grip & look away,

To find a smile for another day.

I thought this post was gone forever...

thanks to hardwork i found it!!

Written by ian,

may 04, 2006

1:16 am

2006-10-08T14:18:00.000+10:00

I saw the most amazing patterns,

the most stunning colors,

I floated witht the clouds,

knocked on heavens gate,

For a little while I got away from reality,

and had the most incredible high.

2006-10-06T00:52:00.000+10:00

I can say nothing.
Not to anyone.
No one saw what the real issue is.
I'm tired of solutions to the wrong problem.
It is not what they think.

People want what they can't have.
True.
Although there're very few things in life that i really want.
It is the same for me.
But i knew enough not to go crazy over the impossible.
Accepted it .
I realised that what i had was probably more than i deserve.
And learned how to appreciate it.
Losing that was the thing.
That was difficult to accept.

I suppose I just have to get used to this.
The pressure leaks out now.
Maybe because I'd already cracked.
I guess cracking is good in a way so it doesnt build up within...
So many people have so much problems, so much more crushing then mine,
yet I got so affected by this...
Embarrassing? well it is a little bit but then again this is who I am.

_________________________

The evanescence of a star in the dawning sky,

Is it gone?

No it's not.

It just doesn't shine in your sky anymore.

______________________________

2006-10-02T22:03:00.000+10:00

I'm groping at thin air.
Why does my head remember all that is bad?
Why does it have to keep replaying the worst over and over again?
What's wrong with me?
Am I born like that?
Knowing I technically have a good life somehow doesn't comfort me at all.
This time I have no where to run to...
This time it's worse then its ever been. So much worse.
It seems to me that God takes pleasure in teasing me with my deepest fear.
Putting it's shadow before me then leaving the rest to my paranoid self.
Yes, to some people my fear is a small thing, and yes it probably is controllable to them, but it is the biggest monster in my mind.
Tearing my thoughts and my reality to shreds and making it so that my thoughts swing from extreme to extreme while my reality wavers so badly that it becomes like a TV screen that just shows static.
Holding me in it's grip.
Letting me stray yet never letting me go.
Influencing my every move and laughing at my every mistake.
Thinking that I was strong was so wrong.
Assuming that I have moved past all that could hurt me, that I would be able to handle whatever that comes my way, that my guards were perfect...
that there was no way the same thing would be able haunt me again.
ppfffffttttt... so stupid.
So far from the truth.
All I'm facing is it's shadow and I'm already being crushed slowly, the longer this goes on.
Emotions so twisted that it's just a blur of knots that fill me to the point where I'm afraid I won't be able to choke it back.
I'm really tired.
I have no heart to do anything with this hanging over me.
All I want is to see it dissapear and everything back to how it was.
Is that possible?

To those who has had to bear with my stupid behaviour... Forgive me, I'm truly sorry.
To those who are worried about me... Thanks, your concern means more to me then you'll ever know.

Missing what was, and fearing what is to be...

2006-10-02T01:27:00.000+10:00

Stupid impulse to delete blog...